Quikie on Mr. Insecurity

Ok this post is going to be quick because I bought a new book today and want to get started on it before I go to bed tonight.

I promised to touch back on the goof-ball that I met Friday night, who was meant to be my inaugural man for the Recession Lunch Date Series currently going in my social circle.

I'm going to change his name and a few locational details so in case he finds my blog, he won't decide to 'off' himself once he sees that the 'most beautiful woman he has ever met' thinks he's a goober.

We will call him Matt. So we get to chatting after leaving the first bar, and clearly he does much better with the comfort of his friends around when talking to women, because he begins to show tell-tale signs of the main guy in Along Came Polly (whats his name?? well you know who I'm talking about, the guy who wont take any risks and is scared of everything!)

Once we are alone and talking, very innocent small talk topics I might add, he is seriously shaking and I'm now possibly even detecting a bit of a stutter when he is put on the spot. (And by 'put on the spot' I mean asked any type of question.) He is clearly not relaxed and for some reason his glass of red is not taking effect like mine. Anyway so I try to steer the conversation away from him since that is not helping matters, and start talking about other meaningless topics in hopes that something will resonate and tip off some great conversation. Not so lucky.

At one point, I reach over to touch his hand and ask if he is OK (he's seriously twitching or God I dont' know what to call it really - just extremely nervous I guess) and he looked at me like I was a leper or infected with some sort of communicable disease. IN FACT, he even had the audacity to ask me if I have been sick lately or immunized for all transferable sicknesses because "planes can be a filthy place, and you've been traveling recently and you could have picked up bacteria from the seats and the amount of germs floating around the air is unelievable....etc. etc." I'm thinking, "Ahhh excuse me? Did you just ask if I have been sick lately and if I am up to date on my immunizations?!!"

I am really trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, he is super nice, fairly good looking, and dammit I will not have a dud for my first recession date!

He has already made the classic comment of how dirty bar bathrooms are, and that he has to wash his hand several times before leaving them, and then use a paper towel before opening the door so not to re-infect himself. Don't even get him started about the community pretzel bowl near the beer taps or the amount of filth on the bar rag that the barman is using to wipe off the tables.... GOOD GOD MAN LIVE A LITTLE!

So we start walking outside and he's commenting on how if I ever drive in Melbourne I should really watch out for the red light cameras and never run yellow lights because I will undoutedly get a fine every time. Blah Blah blah. Finally it's around 1230 and I can see that having another meal or drink with this man could possibly make me lose my mind, so I begin to come to terms with the fact that I have in fact chosen a sour apple for my first lunch date.

We say our goodbyes and he unfortunately has my number from earlier in the night and says that he will definitely give me a call later in the week to catch up for lunch.

There is no way he could have been enjoying himself. He was nervously nervous all night long , asked if I had any diseases, warned me about every aspect of life and couldn't even look me in the eye when we were talking.

OH SHIT I forgot to tell you this part! God this is the best part! I can't believe I forgot about this. SO whenever he would say something that he would deem stupid or not funny, he would start talking to himself in the 3rd person right in front of me! He would look down and say something along the lines of "Matt why why would you say that?" or "Matt that wasn't what you were supposed to tell her." I almost freaking lost it right then! What do you say when you have Rain Man sitting across from you at the table and no one to turn to!!??

UPDATE: MR. Germ-a-Phobe just rang and blindsided me by calling from his land line as opposed to cell, that I don't have programmed :( We had an awkward 10 minute chat about nothing and unfortunately I bailed on meeting up again. He is leaving on vacation next Tuesday so if any luck he will go to Europe and forget all about me. I don't want you all to think that it was a bad night because for some of the parts he was normal and when it comes down to it he is a very nice guy. Just not worth the lunch date.

OK that was like the opposite of a quikie post, but once I got going all the crazy things just kept poppin' into my head!! :)